Do you feel trapped in your love life? Wondering WHY and how you came to feel that way? Over our 16 years of coaching experience, we’ve noticed three things that make a lot of women feel this way.

WHAT YOU WILL LEARN:
– How shame, regret, and worry make you feel trapped
– What you can do to escape that prison
– What will happen once you truly break free

READY TO CHANGE YOUR LOVE LIFE FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER?

Want to know your Love Pattern? After over 16 years of helping women find the men of their dreams, we’ve identified 5 different Love Patterns, each with different characteristics that can keep you from finding true love. Find what your Love Pattern is and what you can do about it by taking our free, 2 minute quiz. Just go to https://bit.ly/lovepatternquiz, discover your Love Pattern, and we’ll tell you what changes you can make starting TODAY.

Want to learn more life-changing love lessons like this one, alongside a supportive group of like-minded women? Go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveBreakthroughCommunity to join our FREE Facebook Community today!There you’ll have access to Q+As, frequent new Facebook Lives from Johnny and Lara, tons of recorded FB lives, conversations about engaging questions, support from women just like you, and more. Join here- you don’t want to miss out!

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Episode Transcription Start —>
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Speaker1: [00:00:03] Hello and welcome to single The Soulmate Podcast where we help you, the love warrior or love word to be to go from single to with your soulmate. Living the life of your dreams. All right. Well, hello, hello, hello and welcome to another episode of Inside the Male Mind. So we’re going to be talking today about who shows up to a phone conversation to a date and how are you showing up. And and what we find very often is that we’ve been doing this work for over 16 years, and I’ve helped so many women break free of of just the prison of of like being frustrated with guys, the prison of loneliness to really break out of the the kind of like the place that they’re at, where it’s like always the bridesmaid, never the bride, that kind of thing. And what we’ve seen is very often who shows up and how you show up is is revealed with from the level of internal feelings of shame, regret and worry. And and what I mean by that is that when you have unresolved shame, regret, worry, then what happens is when you show up into a date or in a conversation or just a conversation in a coffee shop or in a grocery store or something like that, men can actually feel that. And the more important thing is that shame, regret and worry come from someplace. And they they impact your life before the guy ever shows up and stuff.

Speaker1: [00:01:57] Like, all of our clients know that our programs are about so much more than just get a man, although you do get a man. But that’s not the the it’s the main thing. But it’s not the it’s not the only thing. Right? Because who you are and how you show up in your life has a lot to do with the degree to which shame, regret and worry are running your life, making an impact on the decisions that you’re making. So when we talk about shame, regret and worry, most people would say, Well, I’d rather not feel shame, regret and and worry. So let’s talk about where they come from. So worry comes from like your future. You’re looking at your future. You’re thinking about how you know, if if the next five years are are like the last five years, you’re going to be single if you’re in your childbearing years or prime years as as sometimes people call it, and you go another five years. No men inside, no good men. Anyway, you’re going to end up not having a family if you’re getting close to a milestone birthday, 40, 50, 60, 70, whatever. And, and you are still in the same place attracting same guys, having the same experience, you’re going to be alone and and that’s going to hurt, right? So there’s worry about your future. And then there’s also regret. Regret about your past mistakes that you’ve made, good guys that you’ve missed out on, that you’ve driven away years that you’ve spent with guys that are like not the right guy for you and wasn’t treating you well.

Speaker1: [00:03:37] Everything from like full on, abusive, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially abusive. I mean, I remember speaking with one one woman who she had a man cheat her out of 80,000. So that’s going to be a lot of regret there, right? I should have I should have seen it. I should have not, you know, gotten so gullible, whatever the things are. And then there’s shame. There’s shame about maybe there’s shame about like that. You’re this age and you can fix other problems in your life, but you can’t fix this problem in your life. And everything you do seems to make the situation worse, make the problem worse. And so I want to just say to you on a certain level that. Try. Like, try not to think of it as something wrong with you. I encourage you to think of it as you just didn’t know. Like you didn’t, you know, go to a class in school. Write about how to develop healthy love. And how to pick the right guy for you. How to have a healthy relationship. And most people have really poor, quality, dysfunctional relationships around them. They grew up in poor quality, dysfunctional relationships that they don’t want anything of. And so that’s what you had modeled.

Speaker1: [00:05:05] And so there’s a certain amount of shame about like your 30 or 40 or 50 or 60, and you’ve had nothing but bad relationships or good enough relationships or just a long stretch of like nobody just nobody in sight, you know? And you feel like you should. We have figured this out on your own. Well, here’s something I want to let you know that it is becoming and this is widely supported by research. It’s just there’s an epidemic of loneliness here. And and there are so many reasons for that that have nothing to do with you, that it’s not your fault that you had dysfunctional relationships modeled for you. It’s not your fault that that’s all you see around you. Right. You’re I mean, a lot of people, their friends, their family, they’re all in, you know, crappy relationships or good enough relationships, but they don’t complain too much about their husband or something like that. Then you go TV, movie, stuff like that. I mean, that’s what you see is dysfunctional relationships. And so it’s no wonder that inside you’re like, I’m trying to figure this out, but how can I can’t do it? Because you have something in your mind that you’re not seeing out there. Now, one of the things our clients really appreciate about us, we had just had a client the other day in one of our programs say, I didn’t have any good relationships, excuse me, I didn’t have any good role models at all.

Speaker1: [00:06:37] And then she realized, but now I do. And was talking to me and on the call because we, you know, we we connect with our clients on Q&A, coaching calls, Q&A coaching, zoom, zoom meetings. And she said, Now I have you, you and Laura and our lead coach, who’s also was a former client, now happily married woman in a highly functional, awesome, passionate relationship. And she said, now I have have you guys as as role models. And that has nothing to do with really age. It’s just like they we have what you want. And that’s she realized that like you have what I want. So now I have a role model and you can ask us, our clients ask us anything on, on questions. And so when you have shame, you really want to try to take that out of the equation about like where you’re at because that has to do with the past regret. If you’d have known better, you’d have done better. But now let’s, let’s drill into that phrase, right? It’s not just intellectually knowing better, because you could Google any information you need to about how to say you want to lose some weight. How to lose weight. There’s tons of information. Right. Let’s say you want to make more money than you’re making now. There’s tons of information. Right. Anything you want. There’s tons of information out there.

Speaker1: [00:08:02] So why aren’t we all, you know, super rich, skinny hanging out on the beach with passive income just rolling in? Why? Why not? Because there’s more to it than just having information. And in today’s day and age, this is critical to recognize that more information won’t fix the problem. How do you know that? Because you have access to all of the information right now and you have had access to all the information for years. The question is, what’s the right information at the right time? Deliver it in the right, the right like formula for you. And then how do you apply it in your life? That’s why all of our programs definitely have information. But what people get, the what the women get the most out of is being able to ask us questions about how does this apply right now with either this with this situation with my ex or situation with my mother, situation with my coworker, or how I feel about myself when I hear what you’re teaching. Right? Because you can go on YouTube all day, but it’s not like you can do anything other than like type a few comments. You can’t dive into what’s going on in your life. So the shame, the regret, it’s not about just having the information it’s having about not having the information. It’s that you had things model for you that wasn’t your fault and you got to be kind to yourself and let yourself off the hook.

Speaker1: [00:09:38] You had experiences where, look, maybe you did mess up, maybe you did make mistakes, maybe you did do things to hurt people or do things that you you know better. Right. You know, you shouldn’t do this, right? He dumps you, he cheats on you. He steals money from you. You shouldn’t go back, but you do. Now you see it. But you didn’t at the time. And you’ve got to be kind to yourself. Now, here’s the thing. You’ve got to be kind to yourself and you’ve got to be real with yourself. Because if you’re kind to yourself but you’re not real to yourself with yourself, then what you’ll do is you’ll you’ll kind of make yourself feel better in the moment, but nothing will change tomorrow. Next year is going to be exactly the same like the year before. The next five years. The next ten years are going to be just like the last five years in ten years. So kindness is a place to start. But it can’t just be that you don’t want to have magical thinking, right? Like, Oh, now I know better then that’s all. That’s all I need now. It takes more than that. I talked I mentioned earlier how there’s an epidemic of loneliness and and every few years, every decade, every generation is actually becoming more dysfunctional, more isolated, and more ill equipped to have healthy, functioning relationships.

Speaker1: [00:11:06] Now, we can go into all the reasons why, what’s going on in the culture and stuff like that. But the bottom line is you right now are part of the masses who are ill equipped to have healthy, functioning relationships. You want what you really have no idea how to get, and your models from music to movies to TVs and in most cases to your friends and family members, your models are all or mostly of what you don’t want. How could anyone succeed in that environment? You got to let yourself off the hook for that. That’s not your fault. Now, a lot of people mistake, fault and responsibility. Remember how we talked about worry? The worry for your future is you’re worried that your future will look like your past. Well, here’s the truth. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Are you going to pick a guy like that schmo who took advantage of you, who was unkind to you, who cheated on you, stole money from you, didn’t didn’t really cherish you? Are you going to pick another guy like that absent some major intervention? Yeah, you’re damn right you are. And chances are, it’s going to be a worse guy. How do you know that? Look at the more recent guys. They probably are not as good as your high school sweetheart or your first love in college. Right? Why is that? Because shame, regret and worry are like baggage on you.

Speaker1: [00:12:39] And you walk around under the weight of them. So your shoulders are, like, slumped from the weight of shame, of regret, of worry. And there is a way to break out of that. There really is. And that is to start taking a different path. Like, you know, people contact us all the time in our Facebook group and our podcast, email us and stuff like that. And Laura and I are real people. We are yes. We are mentors to many women and the entire what we call love warrior nation and helping them to transform their lives and impact their family’s lives, whether it’s the family that they want and are stepping into. Like we just had one too. I think it’s like three love warriors have babies like in the last month or something like that. So that was once a dream or the family that you have, maybe you have kids, you’re a single mom and you want to have your child grow up with a father in the home that they can love and respect, who can guide them and stuff like that. But we’re also real people. You know, I was saying, yes, we have this mantra. We’ve been doing this for 16 years. We we mentor and coach women all around the world from all walks of life. We’re also real people. Like you can just messenger me on Facebook if you are really wanting to talk to me about what’s going on in your love life.

Speaker1: [00:14:06] And but when you have the shame, regret and worry just weighing you down and then you look at your future, you’re worried that your future will look like your past. And look, you can be kind to yourself all day. You can tell yourself that you’re, you know, whatever you say to yourself, I’m a child of God. I deserve the best. That’s all absolutely true. You do deserve the best. But if you don’t think and feel that you deserve the best, you’re going to keep getting what you are already getting. And a big reason for that is because of shame, worry and shame, regret and worry. You know, and if you are worried, I’ll give you an example. If you’re worried that you’re not going to pass the test, for example, let’s say you’re in college or you’re getting a graduate degree, or we have a lot of people who have advanced degrees. Let’s say you’re worried that you’re not going to pass the bar exam. I’m an attorney. We work with a lot of attorneys. Let’s say you’re worried you’re not going to pass the bar exam. Is it better to ruminate on that worry or is it better to get prepared? Probably better to get prepared, right? Is it better to ask your friends who are in the same boat as you? Or is it better to get someone who actually knows how to pass the bar exam? Is it better to read a book or get coaching from a person, even if it’s a room full of people? Isn’t it better to get get coaching? I passed the bar exam in New York and New Jersey on the first shot because I’m so brilliant.

Speaker1: [00:15:42] I don’t know. I don’t really think so. I think because I looked at, well, me and my friends in law school, we don’t know how to do that. And I can get a book in a book really cheap. But you know what? This is too important. I want to do everything I possibly can. So I studied with a teacher who had a whole course, a whole program where I help people pass the bar exam and then am on a Facebook Live. Who who taught how to pass the bar exam. And you know what I did? I did everything to do said and I did it at 100% because it was just too important for me to not invest. And it costs a lot of money to do that. Well, you know what? I didn’t want to be like the people that end up failing the bar exam multiple times. So I wanted to go in once, hit it hard, give 100% and pass. You know what? That’s what people do when they really feel that whatever they’re trying to overcome is important enough. You know? Were there cheaper ways to go? Absolutely.

Speaker1: [00:16:56] But would they have been as effective? I mean, I modeled myself after the teacher. This is a guy called Marino in New York, sold his company to a bigger company now. So I don’t think he exists anymore. But he was there. He was relatable. I could ask him questions. You teach us the way to think, the way to behave, even like how to plan your lunch on the day of the exam. This is what we do for our clients. It’s not an exam, but we teach our clients step by step how to think, how to shift your behavior so that you get the result that you want. And and with all my years of education experience, our clients really appreciate that I break that down for them. But here’s the thing the worry goes down. When your preparation goes up, the worry stays high. When your preparation is low, just think about that for you. If you have a something you need to present at work tomorrow and you decide to, I don’t know, go to the movies or go drinking with your friends the night before, you’re probably going to have a low level of worry, even though you’re out having fun, drinking, laughing, going to a movie, whatever. Probably going to have a low level worry that is affecting you and stressing you out. Because you’re not really preparing for this big presentation at work. Well, that low level stress and worry is probably what you have right now if you’re not really, really preparing for the love that you want.

Speaker1: [00:18:29] It’s there. It’s like a minimized program. It’s there and it’s affecting you. But you may have gotten numb to it. You may have forgotten how much it’s affecting you. And every once in a while you remember it. And then you figure, how can I prepare very little and get a big maximum reward? Yeah. Isn’t that great? Wouldn’t that be great if everything was like that? Right. How can I look like a magazine cover muscle and fitness model, but sit on the couch and eat potato chips and watch movies? That’s basically it, right? In other words, how can I end up being one of those testimonials, one of those ladies that are like, you know, we have women that were single moms and and just, you know, struggling in their love life, worried about what they’re modeling for their kids. We’ve had women that were wanting to have children. Remember, one woman came to us at 41 and a half children, and she was like, you know, I try not to be desperate, but I I’m smart enough to realize that it’s probably coming across. Yeah, it absolutely is. You know, same thing is if you’re let’s say you’re you’re I don’t know, 45, 50 years old, you got you got kids in the home. There’s a different kind of desperation there, which is your realization that, yeah, you’re not going to have any more children.

Speaker1: [00:19:56] I mean, I don’t think so. Your realization that fathers can’t mother and mothers can’t father. So you’re doing the absolute best you can, but you know, your kids are going to be facing things that they would be better off if they actually had a father, someone who they can respect, not just a warm body who’s a male. Right. So there’s a a worry about that. And and so there’s desperation that comes across. And that desperation comes from lack of preparation for what it is that you say that you want. So shame, regret and worry. Again, the shame part is it affects self esteem. We have women that are like successful managers, business owners. And then, you know, teachers, bartenders, whatever. But they’re successful at what they’re doing. But inside, they feel like they’re they’re not successful. I mean, if you look at Kim Kardashian famously recently after the breakup of her marriage, said, I feel like a failure. This is Kim Kardashian. She’s a multi, multi, multi multimillionaire. Right. People make fun of her and stuff like that. But she’s successful at her career. But she said, I feel like a failure because I can’t make my relationships work. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t know that. You know, I mean, part of it is who you’re picking. And then part of it is how you are in the relationship.

Speaker1: [00:21:31] And so if you’re just hoping to get lucky from the next guy, you’re you’re planning to have your fear, your shame, regret and worry. Just increase. You’re planning to have your worry increase because then it’s all on him. You’re not. You’re not and you don’t have any control. You don’t have any power. Our clients come to us because they realize, like, I’m tired of feeling out of control. I’m tired of feeling powerless, actually want to do something. Like I want to kind of like using that example. I want to pass this bar exam, you know, I want to pass this exam of like I want to graduate out of single forever land, you know, because the reality is it’s not just the next few years. It’s all the way till you’re old. Right? Do you want to be old by yourself or do you want to be old sharing with somebody? Somebody who you want to be with, who wants to be with you. Do you want to be old by yourself or do you want to be old with somebody special and. Wouldn’t it be great if all we had to do was say, No, this is what I want? And then we got it. But, you know, I don’t I don’t know if if you’ve had this experience or heard this information, but do you know that lottery winners actually have a much higher rate of suicide and than the general population? Lottery winners actually have a higher rate of committing major felonies than the general population.

Speaker1: [00:23:08] What they have a higher rate of drug use and abuse and addictions. Now, why would that be? Because they got something, money, a big heap of money that they really didn’t work for, they really didn’t earn and they weren’t prepared for. So they wanted it, but they weren’t prepared for it. You know, I think about my my my daughter, a daughter who’s 20 years old now, and there’s things that she wants now that I could give her now. But it would be irresponsible of me to give her when she was ten. Right. And so we like to think of our our higher power. You can call a God spirit. The universe loves us and loves us so much that he’s only going to give us what we’re ready for. So if you’re ready for a whole different life, if you’re ready for a new type of relationship, if you’re ready to simply get on the right path and get away from shame or regret and worry. Leave the past behind. Leave the shame and the regret behind. Decide that you’re going to do something about the worry rather than just more worry. You know, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I must say that again. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I had a first marriage ended in a mess. Laura did polenta. Our main coach did.

Speaker1: [00:24:39] I mean, so many of our clients had one or more marriages that ended in a mess. And look, we could feel bad about that and wish we had done things differently or better or picked a better partner or something like that. But that’s in the past. What are you going to do? You can’t do anything about it now. But what you can do something about what you are responsible for is what you’re doing going forward. What are you going to do going forward? What can you do? You can reach out to us. You can reach out to us for help. You can find out why is it that we can’t even keep up with our clients anniversaries, weddings, engagement announcements, babies being born? Why can’t we even keep up with that? Because those were all perfect women who were like, I don’t know, whatever you think, right? Perfect age, perfect weight, perfect mental state. No, they’re women, just like you said. You know what? Enough is enough, man. I’m going to shake off the sheet. The shame. I’m going to shake off the regret. I’m going to do something about this worry and start directing the energy toward where I want to go, directing my energy toward the life that I want. Because the thing is, being kind to yourself is vital. Being real to yourself is also vital, and being kind to yourself will help you shift and change how you feel about yourself.

Speaker1: [00:26:07] Being real with yourself will put you in a position to change your future. It won’t change your future in and of itself, but it will put you in a position to do that. And the reason why women work with us from all over the world is because they want to be successful in their love life the same way they’re successful in their professional life. Because your career may be awesome and your title may be awesome, and the money in the bank, the credit score, all that may be awesome. But you know what? That career is not going to hold your hand when you’re old. That career is not going to snuggle up with you on a cold winter’s night. That money in the bank. You never see a what is it, a hearse followed by a U-Haul van. In other words, you can’t take it with you. You can’t take it with you. So what really matters to you? Let yourself off the hook. Leave Shane behind. Remember that you’re human and you’ve made mistakes and that’s okay. You can still have what you want. You can still have the life that you want. But you’ve got to get out of magical thinking and do something. If today is a great day to do something, reach out to us. All right. If you’re watching this on Facebook, you can just comment below. Tag me and I’ll get back to you.

Speaker1: [00:27:33] Our messenger, me on Facebook. If you’re listening to our podcast, I hope you’re listening to our all of our all of our podcasts. And if you’d like to if you’re not in our Facebook group and you’d like to join our Facebook group, go to the love breakthrough community for single women and join us and we’ll connect with you there. All right. Hope you enjoyed this this episode, and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye for now. Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode. Hey, if you’re looking to make a major leap forward in going from single to soulmate, be sure to check out our free masterclass to learn the five step strategy our clients use to meet and marry the man of their dreams without dumbing themselves down or using manipulative lines. Just go to single soulmate dot com forward slash learn that single soulmate dot com forward slash learn for free Masterclass on how to unlock the love you deserve and life of your dreams. Also, if you like this podcast, be sure to hit the subscribe button and maybe even leave us a review. Let us know what you love or just even like about the podcast. Because hey, when you leave us a quick and honest review that helps other awesome women, just like you discover this podcast and helps them learn, live and love better, just like you’re learning right now. So it’s a little bit of pay it forward, subscribe and leave us a review. Thanks so much.

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Hope you enjoyed this episode of Single to Soulmate! If you want to learn more about Johnny and Lara or want to start your own soulmate journey, go to johnnyandlara.com.