It’s not your FAULT that you’re still single, but it is your RESPONSIBILITY to do something about it now. In this episode I explain the difference between the two and how you can take ownership over your love life without unnecessary blame. If you’ve always blamed yourself for being alone, this is for you.

WHAT YOU WILL LEARN:

– Why it’s not your fault you haven’t found love

– What taking responsibility for your love life means

– How to stop blaming yourself

READY TO CHANGE YOUR LOVE LIFE FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER?

If you’re ready for the first step towards major transformation & true love at last, head over to https://singletosoulmate.com/call to book a FREE 1-on-1 call with Lara herself. She’ll assess exactly what’s been holding you back in love, how to get what you REALLY want, and if or how we can help you get it as quickly as possible.

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Episode Transcription Start —>
S6EP82

Speaker1: [00:00:03] Hello and welcome to Single to Soulmate podcast where we help you the love warrior or love word to be to go from single to with your soulmate Living the life of your dreams. Hey, we’re going to talk about so many times what we hear from women is that they say, well, I’m not the problem here in this relationship, in this string of relationships. I’m not the problem. But let’s talk about this. It is your problem. It is your life. So let’s talk about this. When we look at a person who wants to have a relationship. You’re 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, whatever. You want to have a relationship and you haven’t had a relationship with a high quality man who wants to marry you build a life with you, live forever with you. Maybe you haven’t even had a good relationship. He’s cheated on you. He’s stolen from you. He’s lied to you. He strung you along for many years. He. You had something going for a few months, and then he just ghosted you or he broke up with you by text. Maybe you move to be closer to him. Maybe you changed your job or your life to accommodate him. And then he broke up with you. Whatever. Or maybe you’re not attracting anyone that you’re like, is worth getting out of bed for, you know? Worth waking up early for. Worth doing anything for. And. And then when the opportunity to reflect on what’s going on, what is it that you truly want? A lot of women have the feeling of.

Speaker1: [00:01:56] But I’m not the problem. Don’t you see he’s the problem? This guy is the problem. Men are the problem, whatever the thing is. Well, let’s just put that aside for a moment and let’s see what we can agree on. You may not be the problem, but it is your problem because it is your life. So if you don’t know me, I’m Johnnie Fernandez. My wife Laura and I have been helping women coach them. We really do holistic love and life coaching, and we’ve been doing that for over 16 years, helping women really attract the true love, the family, the the marriage, the life of their dreams. Really. Not that it’s like, you know, sunshine and rainbows every day and Disneyland. But you know what? Having someone to grow old with, having someone to depend on. Having someone to share your awesome life with. That really is the life of your dreams. Because right now, no matter how big your house is, no matter how nice your car is, no matter how high your credit score is, if you’re going to bed alone, you’re not living the life of your dreams. If you’re afraid of growing old alone because you got no good men in sight, you’re not living the life of your dreams. And so we help women that want to match their success in other areas of our life. This degree, that degree, that doctorate, this professional success, this title, this house, whatever, this money, this 41k, whatever match that success with success in your in your love life.

Speaker1: [00:03:37] There is a reason why this problem of no good guys or nothing but you know, Bummy guys, there is a reason why this is showing up in your life. Again, that doesn’t mean that you are the problem. That doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. But there is a reason. Why is it it’s showing up in your life. Our clients go from, Hey, I’m I’m successful in this and that and how come I can’t find love? We had one woman recently who’s a badass businesswoman, single mom, and she was like, I’m successful in all these other areas of my life. Why am I not successful in love? And it’s like, do you really want to know the answer to that question? Or are you just stating it like a rhetorical question? Like there is no answer. But once you ask that question, then you open up to the reality that this is your problem. And I know, you know, I’m from, you know, the California way of doing things. I’ve lived in New York and California, the California way of doing things well, I don’t want to say things negatively and stuff like that. I don’t want to say no. Sometimes if something smells like shit, it’s shit. If something is a problem, it’s okay to say it’s a problem. It’s okay to say it’s an issue.

Speaker1: [00:04:59] It’s okay to say you hate this thing. You hate the fact that that you put on a good face during the day. You know, you’re able to kick ass and take names at work and you get home and you’re alone or you’re watching Netflix and there’s no Netflix and chill. Or maybe the only thing you got is the Netflix and chill with no no commitment, just hook ups and stuff like that. Or you just watching Netflix by yourself. You’re going to the holiday parties alone. You’re going to the birthdays alone, New Year’s alone. You know, having people say, oh, why are you still single, You know, or your family members you only see once a year. Are you seeing anybody special? No. So it’s not that that. That you are are the problem. But to acknowledge that you have a problem is actually a sign of emotional maturity. To acknowledge that you are in a situation that you don’t want to be in is a sign of emotional maturity. And it it actually is the first step towards you doing anything about it. Because here’s one thing that you can look at your own life and know. This true love thing. It ain’t going to just land on you like an asteroid. You know who that? Because that does happen. You know how that happens for like 20 year olds, 21 year olds who get lucky and they find a love of their life or they are they come from a very functional family where they had role models of love, healthy love, soulmate, love forever love.

Speaker1: [00:06:39] They don’t have trauma, dysfunction surrounding them. That’s not the family I grew up in. Is that the family you grew up in? No. So you probably had role models of dysfunctional love, unhealthy love. And so it’s probably didn’t land on you at age 21 or 22 or 20 or whatever. You know what I mean? Because you’re here now, right? You’re watching this, you’re listening to this. It didn’t just land on you. And years have gone by, not months, not weeks. Years have gone by. Maybe for some of you decades have gone by. What that’s telling you is there is a problem here. There is a problem and the problem cannot be solved by doing the one of two things that we see a lot of women do. Self-blame. Oh, I’m the worst. I’m the most terrible person. That’ll never happen to me. Or grandiosity. I’m the bomb dot com. Kids, they’ll say that today I’m the bomb dot com. I am all of that. I’m fabulous. Every man that I’ve ever been with, they are 100% the problem. I have no responsibility in this. They are the problem. I am an incredible catch. And these dumb ass guys don’t know what they’re missing. So we see women swing wildly between one or the other. Either they’re completely unaware that they have any responsibility for the guys that they’re attracting, or they blame themselves for everything.

Speaker1: [00:08:13] And you know what the truth is? There’s a little bit of both. There’s a little bit of both. Should you look at your own place in it? Absolutely. Should you think that you’re awesome? Absolutely. Should you think that you’re a catch? Heck, yes, You should. Should you look at your positive traits and qualities and say, Man, a man would be lucky to have me. Absolutely. And there is a reason why you are not attracted to that high quality man and you are not attractive to that high quality man. Let’s just be real. There is a reason why he’s marrying her and not you. There is a reason why he’s dumping you, and then four months later, getting married to her. There is a reason for that. And the whole thing can’t be just. He’s an asshole. That can’t be the whole thing. You loved him. You wanted to be with him. Maybe you wanted to have a family with him. So it can’t be that he’s just a 100% an asshole through and through. Because what does that make you? You attracted him. You wanted to be with him. You were bummed when he broke up with you. Right. So it means that you have blind spots. And here’s the thing. If you think that you don’t have blind spots, that is your biggest blind spot. And if you think that you know what your blind spots are and you are fixing them because you’re reading this book or something like that, then you don’t understand the definition of a blind spot.

Speaker1: [00:09:41] You don’t even see that. Of course, if you knew what the issue was, you would have addressed it. You would have. Smart as you are, accomplished as you are, as as dedicated to fixing this situation as you are, you would have fixed it. If you only knew. One of the things we hear from our clients time and time again is I had no idea this had anything to do with that. So many times from work situations to family communication situations to parenting of your if you’re a single mom, the way you’re parenting your child to how you’re handling your your your health and wellness, everything. This is why women who work with us get to really understand what it is we mean when we say. That we are holistic love and life coaches. So you want to look at what you can do and recognize that that is different than what you should do. What you should do is coming from the realm of what you know. And if what you know to be the fix was the fix, it would have been fixed already. What you can do is going to be outside of your comfort zone and is going to feel counterintuitive, right? When women get on the phone with me or Laura or one of our breakthrough specialists and and discuss what’s going on in their love life and what they want, the answers they come up with for how to get what they want, always fall in line with their comfort zone and everything that they know the answer of what they can do to fix this situation is outside of their comfort zone.

Speaker1: [00:11:43] So I’m going to say that to you the answer of what you can do to finally fix. And address this problem, which again, is your problem. Not that you’re a bad person, not that you are a problem, but this is a problem. That is your problem because it is your life. That answer of what can be done is going to be outside of your comfort zone and you’re going to think the way you’ve been thinking all along about how you don’t want to do that. You’d rather do this. And that is precisely, precisely why this is going on year after year after year after year after year. Because it’s been so long that you have been thinking, I will fix it by my way of thinking. And the thing is, if you were 20. Heck, yeah. Have at it. Give it a shot. Maybe you get lucky. It happens. People win the lottery. Give it a shot. But when you’re let’s say you’re 30. You want to have several kids. Don’t you think time is running out? Right, because, you know, the whole nine months get pregnant, you know, like you need to have some time.

Speaker1: [00:13:06] Right? Do that. Let’s see. A 38. And you want to have a family. You don’t have any kids. Time is running out, isn’t it? So your time and you could be whatever age. It’s really just when do you want to try to do something that is more efficient, effective and will speed up you getting what you want? Let’s say you’re 50 years old and you figure I’ll be healthy, I’ll take care of myself, I’ll live another 50 years. Great. Do you want to spend another 20 years trying to figure out where your blind spots? What do you want to spend the next 20 years with your beloved? What can you do to accelerate that process? Think about not just what you should do, which is based on your self blame things and stuff like that, and look at what you can do. And now what you can do is going to be outside of your comfort zone. The only real question is how much do you want what you want? Because if it were easy, it would have happened already. If it were comfortable, it would have happened already. Now you can either get caught up and it shouldn’t have to be like this. Look, there’s a lot of things in life that shouldn’t be as hard as they are. But in in society today. There are more people single and having a tremendously difficult time in relationships because there is larger forces going on that are driving you to be single, to stay single, and your role models for relationships are unhealthy, dysfunctional, and all around you.

Speaker1: [00:14:49] How many examples of functional, happy relationships do you have close in your life? How many examples of healthy, functioning, loving, passionate relationships do you see on television shows, on movies, in music? How many healthy, functional, passionate, in-love, long term relationships do you have in your life around you? Role modeling for you. Is it any wonder that it’s harder than ever to get a healthy relationship now? And that is a truth. It is harder than ever to get into a healthy, functioning, passionate relationship. Now. Not for the women. They work with us because they learn something new. They learn a process, feminine radiance and courage process. They learn a new path forward. Oh, but it shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have to learn something new. Think about your job. Did you go to school for that? Did it help you? Did someone train you in a training program? Nobody pops out of the womb learning how to do things if you want to play tennis. Is it bad that you don’t already know how to play tennis? That you actually had to take lessons to play tennis if you wanted to learn how to drive? Is it bad that you had to learn some from someone how to do that, that it didn’t just come intuitively? The idea that somehow learning how to be attractive to a high quality, high functioning man and attracted to a high quality, high functioning man.

Speaker1: [00:16:29] Is somehow will lessen the quality of it. Let me tell you, we have so many clients who are happily married to their soulmate and not one of them on their wedding day before their wedding day or after their wedding day ever said, well, somehow this counts for less because they, you know. Took your program, had to learn about masculine feminine dynamics. I had to apply the the practices, the principles, the tools that you gave us in how to keep my relationship thriving and healthy. This counts for less because I didn’t just intuitively know it. Now. They’re grateful, and so is their husband and so are their kids. And so will your husband and so will your kids. But you got to get out of the idea of that. It’s either. You’re being blamed or you’re above reproach. You’re your perfect human being, but none of us are perfect. Everyone needs help in different areas of your life, of our lives. So if you’d like some help, if you want to be a successful in your love life as you are in the rest of your life, reach out to us. Message me. I’m available. I’m a real human being. Laura and I are real human beings, and we are serious about helping women transform their lives and transform their family trees. If you’re a single mom, your child right now is modeling how they will live their life after you.

Speaker1: [00:18:05] Is the way you’re living in relationships, what you want them to, to live in their relationships. You can say all you want. The way you’re living is how they will live. You can tell a kid to eat their broccoli, but if you’re not eating your vegetables, you’re sitting there eating Chex Mix or something. They’re not going to eat their broccoli. They’re going to eat Chex Mix, Right. If you want to have children. The time to lay the foundation for the family that you want is right now. The longer you live in dysfunction and isolation, the longer you normalize dysfunction, isolation, getting ghosted hookups, whatever. The longer you normalize that, the harder it is to break out. I can tell you that the women that are 45 and come to us wish they had come to us at 35. The women that are 35 and come to us wish they had come to us at 25. And whatever age you come to us, there is another woman who is in our programs who are ten years younger than you saying. I’m so glad I’m starting now. And not then. And you want to be the person who said, I’m doing this now and not ten years later. Because, look, we’ve been doing this long enough that we actually do speak to women that talk to us today. And having talked to us five years ago, ten years ago, and they have one regret.

Speaker1: [00:19:30] They didn’t start sooner. They didn’t take this seriously sooner. They kind of wish that they had listened the first time we said, Hey, you can take a whole new path. You can learn all new skills. You can learn what you didn’t learn in high school or college or grad school. How to take care of yourself, how to be feminine, confident and attractive and attracted to a high quality, high functioning man, and how to create a high quality, high functioning relationship because you are the relationship established her and you are the relationship navigator. I think that’s a whole other. Video or a podcast or something like that. So I’ll do that another time. But that’s who you are. All right. Hope that was helpful. Remember, you’re not the problem, but it is your problem. Now, the question is, what are you going to do about it? Bye for now. Thank you for joining us on Single to Soulmate. And listen, if you’re ready to move your life forward in a significant way, you’re going to want to check out our brand new masterclass. We’re giving you the five step game plan that you need to go from single to soulmate. All you have to do is go to singletosoulmate.com/call forward slash learn that Single to Soulmate dotcom forward slash l e a r n learn and sign up for the masterclass. You’ll get a 24 hour exclusive pass to to watch that and learn your five steps to go from single to soulmate faster than you ever thought possible. Enjoy.

Episode Transcription End —>

Hope you enjoyed this episode of Single to Soulmate, brought to you by Feminine Radiance and Courage Institute! If you want to learn more about Johnny and Lara or want to start your own soulmate journey, go to johnnyandlara.com.